Push Away
by misskikimarie
Summary: It was one of the best nights of her life, definitely the best in the last few years, but she just didn't want to look back. She supposed that recollecting like that just wasn't for her. It made her stomach drop, it made tears spring- all things she had never managed to get used to, no matter how much she had been doing it recently. In the end, it was so much easier to push away.


It wasn't like it was easy. Going to see him after so long was actually one of the hardest things she'd ever done, but she couldn't stop herself either. She was just driving around in the dark New York streets. She could barely see three feet in front of her; she didn't live in a bustling city, and everyone's lights were turned off for the night. There were a few streetlamps that augmented to the illumination, but they gradually stopped appearing as she continued driving. But suddenly the entire road was glowing, bright, white lights bouncing around, and she blinked and sniffled. It was hard for her to look since her eyes were still red and puffy. Taking one hand off of the steering wheel, she quickly swiped her fingers across her damp cheeks to wipe the tears that lingered there into oblivion.

She eventually gave up, parked the car, and squinted to see what the big deal was exactly. Across the road, there was a club. She'd passed by it before and had met the owner- Sarah, she believed- a few times, for the town was not very big, and she had met practically everyone who lived in it. Stevie was never much of a clubber though, so she didn't really ask much about it. Now, she saw that it was called "Scourge's", and there was a decent line of people waiting to get in, but that decent amount of people was growing in size and volume. She could hear the high pitched screams of many girls and wondered why until the lights moved in and out of her line of vision again, and she saw the sign.

She almost choked when she saw his face. And his other band member's faces, of course, but her eyes were really glued on him, not Marley, not Jake, not David, or Drew. Not much had changed; he still had endearing, brown eyes, though the kindness was a bit more subtle, and the same sharp, pale cheeks. These were more defined. She touched her own cheek again. They were still wet, and, if anything, they'd become a bit chubbier. Dropping her hand back down to her stomach, she sighed. Definitely chubbier.

But even if he hadn't changed much physically, she knew he probably wasn't the same old Zander. No matter how much she may have wanted to avoid him over the years, burying photo albums and old Gravity 5 T-shirts in boxes scattered throughout attics and basements, there was no avoiding seeing his face in magazines as he gradually rose to fame, but, most of the time, what people had to say did not reflect the guy she used to think she knew. More often than not, he was referred to as more of an obnoxious bastard, although some people would probably phrase it differently- more flowery, less offensive. Others had no problem going right out, blurting it to the heavens.

Unfortunately, most people had given up trying to be nice and fallen into the latter group with its superior bluntness. It surprised her that their band had any fame with its horrible publicity, but she guessed that a few attractive faces really did work wonders. She probably should have been surprised that there weren't thousands of people already waiting in line for a chance to see him- them- if the band was truly there; however, she hadn't heard anything about Tsundere coming before. Maybe no one else had either, and this was all just one huge surprise for everyone.

She wished it wasn't. Perhaps, she would have avoided the club entirely, or maybe she would have planned on stopping by. It could have made it easier, but no, she pushed open the door of her car in her bewildered stupor. It was rather old, so it took some effort- a few strong pushes got it unjammed though- and she stumbled across the road towards the line, grabbing the sides of her jacket, burying herself in the warmth it provided. The air was only a little chilly, but she was shivering like one of those rat dogs people carried around in their purses. Frequently, violently. She couldn't stop, and she bit down on her lip as well, starting to chew.

She was fairly certain that if she did not get into the club soon, she was going to go deaf, standing there with all of those fifteen and sixteen year old girls. Some of them she recognized; other must have been from towns and cities near there because she didn't recognize them, and she couldn't imagine them getting there so quickly if they didn't live anywhere close by. Either way, they were all the same to her, squealing about the band members. She heard a lot of whispers about Dave and wasn't surprised, considering he was the lead singer. Others swooned over Jake and Drew. She even heard a few squeals about Marley, despite how he was always hidden behind his drum set during concerts. No one mentioned Zander, or, if they did, she couldn't hear. It filled her with an odd satisfaction, although she would never admit it, even as her lips curved into a small smile.

Directly in front of her, there were two girls, one pale blonde who was chattering away about Jake while subconsciously eating the bright, red lipgloss she smothered her mouth with. His sparkling, green eyes, the way his hair curled, and his abs. She spoke so fondly about his abs, and Stevie just couldn't stop herself from rolling her eyes. Of course, the girl was too distracted to notice, but Stevie caught the eye of the blonde's companion, a short brunette about the same height as her who hadn't said a word but would force the occasional smile her friend's way. She rolled her eyes right back and then said the very first thing she had said all night. Her voice was gravelly; it sounded like it hurt her throat, and her cheeks flushed. "All I know is that their guitarist is a complete asshole. Have you ever even considered that?" she snapped. _Zander._ Despite her blushing, the intensity of her eyes showed no signs of regret for her words.

Her friend looked just as surprised as Stevie felt. She caught sight of the necklace around the girl's slim neck. A pink heart pendant hung from the long, silver chain with _Anastasia_ written on it in slick, gold letters. She grabbed a lock of hair and started running her fingers through it as her face contorted nervously. "Well, I mean, yeah. Zander's kinda an ass, but there are like four other members. And Zander's still cute and good at guitar," she reasoned. She sounded like one of the girls that Stevie would have claimed to hate back when she was her age. She didn't consider what an artist stood for. If they sounded nice and looked pretty, they were perfect. Their lyrics could be about anything, the guys could be murderers, and it wouldn't matter in the least. And she hated to admit it, but Stevie probably would have taken the brunette's side back then. She truly wanted to believe that it would be different with Zander.

"And that matters? You're going to see an asshole's band, an asshole's show; you are supporting the ass," she argued. Before Anastasia could respond, she added, "Therefore, especially since there are so many other girls who stupidly do the exact same thing, he is going to remain famous and have even more opportunities to act like a little shit and have everyone react as if they're so appalled by what he has been doing all along just in all new fucking ways." After that, Stevie decided to tune the two out. She told herself it was because of the girl's language and the fact that they were just more loud teenagers, but she knew that it was because she didn't want to admit she would be making the same exact points if the bastard in question was anyone- _anyone_- other than Zander.

It took awhile for her to get to the front of the line. The two girls had just disappeared inside, quietly muttering to one another while they still could without the blaring music overpowering their voices. Stevie just shook her head, returning her attention back to the bouncer and digging around in her purse for cash. She found a dollar bill tucked underneath her phone and went to grab it just as the phone buzzed against her hand, signaling she had a new text message. Of course, she ignored it and quickly pulled out her money, so she would be let inside. But as she walked through the door, she heard the buzzing again and again and again, and she darted to the bathroom to check what he wanted.

_"im sorry" "i didnt mean it" "please come back" "when will you be back" "hello?" _All signed _Adam. _Apologies, Adam. "Sincerest regrets", Adam. From, Adam. Love, Adam! She quickly turned it off and put it back in her bag. She wasn't about to give up that easily. She didn't come here just to run back to him. She wasn't entirely sure why she did force herself to come here, but she was there; it was too late to leave.

**. . .**

It was about 9:30 when the show started, like a half an hour after she got there, and she was getting antsy, starting to regret coming, starting to consider going home, but the lights came on, and fog lifted up from the stage. It was a multitudinous amount of colors. First red, then blue, then green, purple, orange. And then it dispersed, and Dave jumped onto the stage. He did some sort of mid-air split, and the crowd screamed, rushing forward in hopes of ending up in the front, close enough to tap their fingers against the stage and reach out to Dave's hand when he walked by. The other members slowly filed in behind him, one by one settling by their instruments. Stevie hung in the back and had to stand on the tips of her toes, craning her neck, to see anything, but she was fairly certain Zander wasn't there. The girls stopped screaming, anticipating his arrival, but time passed by, and he still wasn't out.

"Hold on one second," Drew said into his mic and quickly abandoned the keyboard, dashing out of sight into a small room right next to the stage. Yelling could be heard, curses, but then it fell quiet, and Drew led Zander into view. They waved their hands around, trying to get everyone pumped once more, and it seemed to work, for they went into an uproar, and Zander's stoic face slowly turned into a sort of narcissistic grin. It was deeper than the joking ones he used to put on, and it was all teeth, but looking into his eyes after he turned away to place his guitar strap around his neck, when he turned back to the crowd, his grin was gone, and, even from the back, she could see his pupils looked bigger, almost sad. But she was the only one who seemed to care.

They started playing one of their older songs. It was on the first album they ever came out with. Almost all of the songs they had back then were written by Zander, but this was one that he wrote while in Gravity 5, one of the rare times he wrote all of the lyrics without any help from her. She remembered struggling to decide to download it when the album first came out. Not many people knew about them back then- their popularity didn't rise for awhile- but following his career hadn't hurt so much at the time. It was when they still exchanged the occasional email and phone call. But she already had a different version of the song on her iPod. It was just with Kacey singing, and she didn't particularly like Dave's voice as much. It struck her then, watching the blonde boy jogging around on stage, belting the lyrics- he was good, very good, but she realized that Zander never sang his own lyrics. Someone else was always doing it for him. Or at least when it came time to perform for a crowd.

She wondered why he would do that. He could easily sing them for himself, and people would probably go crazy buying it all. She knew she would. She remembered all of those days back in high school when they would write together. She never performed her own lyrics either, merely singing backup for Kacey, but she didn't have a record deal or an insane fanbase or award after award like he did.

She felt overwhelmed and walked further back, away from the booming bass. She could feel it, and she remembered when she could cause that addictive feeling in herself as well as others. Now, she just wanted a drink- that'd probably do the trick, make her feel better. Unfortunately, she wouldn't allow herself to do something like that and just took a seat at the bar, not actually ordering anything. She wanted her head to stay clear and focused on the music, bopping her head up and down to the beat and smiling slightly.

_"We are nothing without it. We are nothing without it. We are nothing without love." _She knew the lyrics by heart even after all this time. They went through so many songs though. Some she knew, but she wasn't really familiar with some of their newer songs. The choruses weren't too hard to learn though, and she was still singing along, not even caring when she would mess up the lyrics, and she messed up bad, blushing heavily whenever it happened. Some of the people she was standing behind- she had left the bar after awhile and was dancing in the back, behind the majority of the crazy teens- would look back and raise their eyebrows, but by that time, she'd have gotten over it and was simply dancing around like she too was fifteen again. If Adam saw her, he probably would have flipped, but she didn't want to think about him or even Zander. She only wanted to think about the music, and it wasn't hard to get lost like that.

But, sadly, all great things had to come to an end, and Dave started thanking the crowd, saying they were awesome as the others packed up their instruments, and some fangirls screamed for an encore, knowing fully well they weren't about to get one but probably figuring it was worth a shot. Stevie didn't help; she merely sighed. She had had a great time, but she felt a little disappointed; she had no idea what she expected the night to amount to, but she felt like those expectations hadn't been met yet, or maybe she just didn't want to see it end. Either way, she adjusted her purse over her shoulder and started making her way towards the door when someone tugged on her arm.

"Come with me," Sarah whispered, and Stevie didn't really have time to react as she was dragged towards that tiny, little room beside the stage. Sarah pushed her through the door and then promptly slammed it, leaving her alone with the four guys. Again, Zander was nowhere to be seen, but the rest turned to stare at her.

"Hey, Zander! Your girlfriend's here!" Jake called, nudging Dave, who laughed along, with his shoulder. Drew just slapped him on the back of the head though. "Ow... I was just joking... mostly," he reasoned and rubbed where Drew hit him.

"Exactly. I mean, she already has a ring," Dave pointed out, grabbing her left hand to show them the silver band there. She quickly brought it back to her side, blushing and nervously shifting on her feet.

"Ouch," Marley said. He reached to put his arm around her shoulder, but Stevie glared and pushed it away. "Ooh, looks like we've got a feisty one," he told the others. He crossed his arms over his chest and smirked satisfactorily. "Z does tend to lean towards those," he chuckled, and Stevie flinched but hastily regained her composure; she didn't know that the guys called him that too. She used to be the only one who could. And it was a little weird with them talking about Zander's dating life. She wasn't going to lie.

"Look," she stated, "if I'm just here, so you can poke fun at me or Zander or whatever, I'm gone." She turned back towards the door just as she heard another one open somewhere behind her. It closed with a bang, but she didn't have the time or care enough to look. She was already halfway out when a group of lingering fans started rushing forth, and Drew pulled her right back in, locking the door, so no one else could get in. He turned her to face him, and she was surprised that he was that strong.

"One, don't open that door. Nothing good ever comes from it," he pointed out, and she flushed sheepishly. "Two, that's not why we brought you here," he continued.

"Why is she here?" Zander interjected, and Stevie suddenly turned to look at him, her eyes wide. Drew faced him as well, but he didn't look quite as surprised and instead grinned.

"Just helping a friend out of the friend zone," he answered, and he, Dave, Jake, and Marley turned to leave, going out the door she supposed Zander must have come in, further back in the room. There was a large tour bus outside, and they laughed while heading towards it. Stevie didn't have quite as much luck; she really wasn't sure what to say to him. After all, it had been so long since they'd last spoken.

"What are you doing here?" Zander repeated and moved over to an oddly shaped, green chair in the corner. It looked a little like Pacman but slanted, so it faced the ground, and, when he sat in it, he almost instantaneously fell off. "Damnit..." he muttered and tried to sit again, but he only met the same fate. Stevie laughed, and he glared at her, arching a challenging eyebrow. "I'd like to see you sit in this without falling," he proposed. He was a little peeved off and mostly joking; however, Stevie, not one to back down, walked over and tried sitting in it. She clutched the sides and pushed her feet against the ground to support herself, but, after about half a minute, it got old, she relaxed- and had her butt land on the floor as well, so she was right next to him.

He took the moment as his opportunity to poke fun at her, and she slapped him on the shoulder as he howled with laughter. She started to snicker too though and threw her head back, so it hit the shiny, green surface, only making Zander laugh more. "And to answer your question," she said while trying to catch her breath, "can't a girl come to a club and get dragged into a dressing room without the weird interrogations?"

"Nope," Zander replied, turning to face her, "because I'm pretty sure you wouldn't do that kind of thing without some reason."

"Well maybe I just wanted to say hello," she snapped and pushed herself up off the ground. "But I guess I'm done saying hi now, right?"

"You couldn't have just done that over email or given me a call if you wanted to talk?" he questioned, starting to stand up as well. She clenched her jaw and looked at him, all of a sudden furious at him.

"You say that as if I didn't try." Her eyes were glossy with tears, and he looked at her, surprised. "I tried emailing you so many times, remember? When Tsundere was just starting up. You responded back then, and I thought we were actually going to stay close, even though Gravity was done for. You know, I still talk to the others all the time, but, for some reason, you, of all people, decided to stop talking to me. Am I not good enough or something? I know you still talk to Nelson and Kevin, and Kacey said you send her the occasional message. Why me? I could've sworn we were best friends," she cried. She knew she was blowing everything out of proportion, but she couldn't really help it. Her phone buzzed again; she was tempted to pull it out and throw it against the wall.

_"why aren't you home yet" "where are you" "do i need to come get you?" "is everything alright?" "are you still mad at me?" "stevie i didn't mean it just come back before you get hurt" _She grabbed a chunk of her hair and just pulled, ferociously yanking and feeling satisfied as her brain pounded against her skull. Zander placed his hand on her arm; it was surprisingly gentle, and she jerked her arm back, using it to wipe away the fresh tears as they rolled down her cheeks. She was sure she was all red. Her face certainly felt hot. She looked down, and she still wasn't entirely used to having to glance at her protruding middle whenever she did. She felt Zander's eyes on her as well, and she bit the inside of her cheek.

"Who did that?" he asked her, and she groaned. "What?"

"Of course that's what you ask! What kind of an idiot are you?" She put her face in her hands and sat down again, feeling overwhelmed. This time, he didn't join her.

"I didn't realize there were types of idiots now," he said. Sighing, he raked a hand through his hair. "Maybe you should just go," he suggested, and Stevie nodded, mumbling her agreement. She didn't hesitate for a moment- only until she was halfway. No one was waiting to get in anymore, but she kind of hoped he would at least try to pull her back in like Drew had earlier, even if she would probably just shrug his hands off. She waited a moment, but he didn't move, and her stomach dropped, disappointed. But she continued walking until she was at her car again. She tugged open the door, and it gave in on the first try, so she quickly got in and sped away. The tour bus was still there, but she tried to ignore it as well as her phone as she drove. She didn't look back.

**. . .**

_Inbox (1)_

_Zander Robbins: I'm so sorry. 11:08 pm._

Her eyes blurred with tears, and she immediately shut her laptop, promptly pushing it away. She didn't want to look back.


End file.
